Autopilot

I am sitting here alone in the reception of the therapy center,  the boy is in a session. I sit and stare at my phone and scroll through meaningless posts and videos. Some raise my anxiety and some I just don’t register. 

I appear bored, uninterested, tired, but my insides are like a raging tumultuous sea.Tears trickle down from my eyes, uninvited, just a physical manifestation of the glass being too full inside of me. 

Some day’s I am beyond tired. Sleep is broken, seemingly busy with activities and thoughts making me feel more exhausted when I wake up than when I slept. The body feels wacked from all sides. 

Even the autopilot is on autopilot. 

I hear my son disagreeing loudly with his therapist.

I am about to crash.

The feeling of helplessness and anxiety is so much than I feel numb in that state.

 Ok…let me just give him the tab, cancel school and hideaway in the house.

No drama, no coaxing, no manipulation, no encouragement, no nothing. 

Just let’s stay in silence and quite in our own bubbles.

I am tired.

I really really am.

I am laying down my bag, my glasses, my notebooks, my drive for now….

I need to take care of me, so I can rise again.